“The Nightmare before Christmas”

My Friday the 13th
friday-13th-funny-quotes-i6 Friday the 13th is supposed to be an unlucky day…a day where you should be prepared to have a Murphy’s Law type of day. Just a myth, right? Well, I was about to be made into a believer…
My Friday the 13th started shortly after midnight, when our wonderful internet service bottomed out on me just long enough to make me lose a large online order I was attempting to place.. So after having to re-enter everything, I practically fell into the bed about 2:00 am.
Somewhere around 5:00 am, I awoke to horrible aching in my little piggy that had roast beef. Dragging from my lack of sleep, I stumbled to the bathroom to take a look at what could possibly be causing my poor little toe so much pain. In my lethargic state, I managed to find the bathroom door closed in the dark with my nose first, drawing a few obscenities and tears to my eyes.
My middle toe was red and inflamed on the left side. I had managed to get my very first ingrown toenail at the age of 45. Yay me, right? I proceeded to fumble through the bathroom  friday the 13drawers until I found the toenail clippers for some homegrown surgery.
Operating on your toe at 5:00 am in a sluggish condition is not smart..but in this case, necessary. I said a few more swear words, and even invented a few, but I finally got to the root of the problem after hacking off over half of my toenail. After digging the culprit out, I went back to bed for a couple more hours sleep, because I had one busy day ahead.
When I returned to my warm bed, toe still throbbing, I had no sooner laid down when I heard a text message alert. I grabbed my phone and saw that I had a text from someone asking me to go check to see if one of my family members (who shall remain nameless) was awake, because they had been calling them and had gotten no answer. This person sending the text was at work and could not leave. I tried repeatedly to call them, but I couldn’t get an answer either.
Concerned, I got out of my very warm bed and began to throw on my clothes. My toe was still hurting, so I slipped on my house shoes. With no time to waste because I didn’t want this person to be late for work, I didn’t take the time to warm my car on this VERY COLD morning or defrost my windshield. So, I turned on my windshield washer and wipers that earned me just enough room to be able to see from a side view. The short friday dogride was a long one because I had to practically hang my head out of the window like a dog to be able to see anything and did I mention it was COLD?
When I arrived at my destination, I found this person to be asleep, so I helped them rush to get out of the door. I headed back to my house, toe still hurting, with a quick nap in mind. Looked down for a second while driving, and when I looked back up I saw about three deer surrounding me. I slammed on the brakes, throwing everything that was in my back seat to the front, and the front to the floor. Not sure who was shaken up more…me or the deer.
When I pulled into the driveway, my dog, Myrtle came out to greet me enthusiastically as usual, but I was in no mood to play. I got out of the car and hobbled my way back anxious to get back inside with Myrtle dancing all around me. Halfway up the front steps, I lost my shoe because apparently I suck at hobbling. Myrtle saw this and thought this was her cue to play. She grabs my shoe and takes off running, thinking I’m going to chase her to get it back…Well, I did and in the process, I stepped into a nice fresh pile of dog crap with my good foot.
Now, Myrtle is not the smartest dog in the world but she very quickly picked up on the tone of my thunderous screeching that maybe we weren’t playing a game after all, so she dropped the shoe and cowered. I picked up my shoe and felt bad that I had scolded her, so I attempted to lure her to me with soothing apologetic words. She was having no part of it and would not come near me. Cold and irritated, I headed back inside to the warmth and comfort of my home. It was an interesting walk back in the house.

My Myrtle
My Myrtle

Meet my demon cat, Zeus. Yes, this is a real picture, LOL. Much like his mother, Zeus gets into many predicaments :)
Meet my demon cat, Zeus. Yes, this is a real picture, LOL. Much like his mother, Zeus gets into many predicaments 🙂

Back indoors, I decided to check the tracking on a package that I needed by Christmas and was having a hard time getting. From the tracking numbers, I could see the estimated date of the arrival had been pushed back by three additional days. At this point, I was livid because this had been an ongoing problem for three weeks now. So, I sent Fed Ex a not so nice, maybe somewhat threatening email regarding certain body parts if my package didn’t make it here by Christmas. After hitting the Send button, I realized after re-reading the message that I would be lucky to get it by Valentine’s Day.

So, my toe is still killing me and I do a frantic search through my house to find anything that will ease the pain. With a good Epsom Salt soaking and two Tylenol later, the pain has lessened somewhat, so I decide to take a quick power nap before I get started.
 Before I lay down, I put some antibiotic ointment on my toe. I had just gotten settled when I realized my toe had started a strange cooling sensation that would not subside and it did not seem to be letting up. It was a little painful, but even more annoying. So, I get back up out of the bed and go into the bathroom drawer to see what cream I had rubbed on my toe. I was even more annoyed when I found out I had put hemorrhoid ointment on my ailing toe, although it did seem to help the swelling some. I began to really contemplate whether my balance would be affected much if I decided just to cut it off…I mean, it was the middle toe. How much could it really hurt anyway?
Thoroughly disgusted with the way my morning was going, I decided to a nice long nap was exactly what the doctor ordered for me, heavy workload or not. So, I piled back up in my 

Zeus doesn't take too kindly to cat hair...
Zeus doesn’t take too kindly to cat hair…

warm bed, only to hear the incessant crying of my cat, because he thinks the minute you are out of bed, you live to feed him. I tried to ignore him, but he was not to be overlooked easily.

Folks, you cannot starve a cat, period. They are the most resourceful creatures on the face of this Earth. A scorned woman ain’t got nothing on a hungry cat. So, if you have a cat, and you’re thinking of cutting back, don’t even try it. I promise you, they’ve already assessed you to see how you are going to digest in case of emergency. They will eat you even though they love you…it’s encoded in their DNA.

I don't even wanna talk about what he's doing here...
I don’t even wanna talk about what he’s doing here…

I drug myself out of the bed once again and fed the stupid cat, all the while looking over my shoulder for fear that Jason Vorhees was going to jump out and whack my head off. Maybe he didn’t feel lucky enough to mess with me after witnessing the scene in the front yard with my poor Myrtle, who by this time could not even be found.

By this time, I was curious what the rest of the day would hold, or maybe I just had a death wish, I’m not real sure. I ate, dressed, and was out the door to see if I could make the newspaper headlines in some crazy method before this fateful day was over. The rest of the day was busy, and quite uneventful…and believe it or not, I got through the day without going to jail or losing any limbs in a freak accident.
What did I learn about Friday the 13th from this experience? Next time…clip your toenails frequently and sleep through it…

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